When it comes to packing my suitcase for a trip, I am the “What if girl.” In other words, I pack for rain or shine. What if it’s cold outside? What if we decide to go somewhere nice for dinner where street clothes are not enough. What if I do a lot of walking, or go swimming, or whatever! I like to be prepared for all contingencies, just in case, because I want to be ready.
Maybe you’re like me and you understand my process. Maybe, you’re like my husband who can pack in small duffle bag for a week by planning on only wearing the same shorts, jeans, and two shirts, no matter what comes his way.
I laugh about the differences between us. And then, when I sit and lean in, I realize there might be more to my overzealous, over- packed suitcase.
I’ve always wanted to be ready, prepared. I’ve always strived to meet a need, when possible, preventative even to avoid a mishap, or work to stop failure from knocking on my door. I don’t want to miss out because I messed up. I don’t want to be the reason something didn’t work or be the someone to blame. I want to be enough, to prove I can overcome any perceived deficiencies whether by character or circumstance. It’s no wonder that disappointment comes despite my efforts.
What if I could let it all go? What if I can still be responsible, plan, and release my inner desire to control the outcomes before all the impossible, alternate realities conceived in my head make me doubt myself?
As I quiet myself before the Lord. I recognize the turmoil that fights for my attention on him. And I exhale. After doing a whole bible study on control, I am aware that for my own sake and others, I need to release outcomes to the Lord.
I am reminded of another book by Ruth Haley Barton, Silence and Solitude. In that book she describes the tempest around trying to turn off the world, and turn to the one who created it, the one whose hand I am in – Jesus. I remember there is a sweet and soft cadence to the rhythm of breathing in and exhaling out. Of soaking in the presence of Jesus and releasing out to him all that weighs me down.
I can picture Jesus holding my hand, instead of the what if I go alone or what if I do this or that, myself. Gentleness like a fresh breeze in a garden softly slows my thoughts down.
I don’t have to worry about being enough to cover every solution. I was not created to be. Consequences, negative ones should not be the motivating factor for why I over prepare, over plan, and over commit to anything I do. While punishment may work as a deterrent, it was never meant to shape my life. For so long I have let it, thinking that I deserved it when I messed up, missed it, or misunderstood life.
The grace that Jesus provides is the answer to my what ifs on so many levels. Jesus took on my pain, my suffering, my bad decisions, and consequences thereof when he died on the cross for me, for you. That’s not to say that I am no longer responsible, but I am free to be forgiven, free to be his child, free from the what if outcomes which I could never really control anyway.
What if is fear motivated by negative outcomes. Jesus is in control. And while I have free will to choose which may have consequences good or bad, I am made to love him. He promises to be with me through it all.
So What if I give Jesus my fears and outcomes, and rest in him, instead of rehearsing those bad scenes and wasting my thought life like a hamster running on that wheel to no where?
Jesus’ possibilities are not limited to mine. What if his plan all along has been for me to give up my what ifs for him?
